where I stood

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November 20, 2012 by shontemarie

I don’t know what I’ve done
Or if I like what I’ve begun.
But something told me to run
And honey, you know me…it’s all or none.

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go, and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening…

“Where I Stood,” Missy Higgins

I am a lyric-addict. A boring melody I can overlook; synthesized instruments don’t faze me in the slightest, and I will even forgive a less than spectacular vocal ability if a song has lyrics that touch me in some way. Songs from genres or artists that don’t appeal to me normally will make their way onto my playlists if I happen across clever, significant wordplay. I am utterly egotistical when I listen to music; I feel like every song out there was written with my personal story and experiences in mind, and once I latch onto a song, it never leaves me. Some songs burrow their way into different phases of my life, sporadically popping their earnest little heads up and reminding me of some long-ago emotion, while hitching a new memory to their convoy. This song, “Where I Stood,” by Missy Higgins, is one that shows up often in my life. So much so, that I actually was going to use the title as the domain name for this blog. (Sadly, it was taken. Isn’t that the worst?? And to add insult to injury, whoever has it is severely neglecting the site!! Gah. Oh well.) The song seems to be telling the tale of a recently ended relationship from the perspective of the one who ended it…This was my first interpretation, anyhow, because it was the first meaning that resonated with me. I went through a pretty rocky break-up a few years back, and this song was on repeat on my iPod for some time.

I don’t know if everyone has “mini-epiphanies” in their lives, but I feel like I have them all the time. The only way I can explain them to those who don’t understand would be: I have these moments of clarity where the path I should go down is so apparent that it seems ludicrous to consider anything else. I had one of these moments regarding this relationship. I swear I was seeing signs from every angle leading me up to the conclusion that it was time to go. I felt like an investigator who’d finally put all the clues together. In the split second when I resolved that I needed to leave, the world seemed crystal clear to me, so I made the decision for both of us, firmly and with finality. It felt good, at that moment. But I swear, less than five minutes later, I was already doubting myself. I wasn’t sure I wanted to let the ball keep rolling, regardless of the fact that I’d been the one to push it. Maybe I’d read the clues incorrectly?? Maybe I was supposed to have come to a different conclusion, and now I’d ruined everything. Can you see why this song struck a chord with me?? Talk about art imitating life. Further in the song, Missy sings, “I don’t know who I am without you. All I know is that I should.” Again, an arrow straight to my heart. I had gotten comfortable being part of a “we;” I was comfortable in my role and had NO CLUE where to even begin in my “me” journey after being part of a pair for close to 3 years. Eventually, I grew to understand myself a bit more and I am now able to look back and see the that the journey was worth the anguish I went through. I am happy I followed the clues…I learned who I was in this new identity, despite the gnawing feeling of doubt, I am happy I listened to my intuition.

Lately, this song keeps popping up again. Not in a romantic sense; I feel like there is some symbolism at pay this time around. Currently, I am worried that a semi-impulsive decision I made may not have been the best course of action. My somewhat impulsive decision was to pick up my life and move halfway across the country. I’ve been a California girl for a substantial portion of my years; so what exactly compelled me to move to Texas, seemingly on a whim? It sounds crazy if I say a little voice in my head told me to do it, but truthfully that would almost be accurate. I have had this weird preoccupation with Texas since I was much younger. I remember telling people I wanted to go on vacation to Texas when I was in elementary school. I’ve always thought it would be a cool place to live, despite the fact that until one year ago, I’d never set foot here. Don’t ask me why; I really have no idea where the desire came from. When I was told my company would be expanding into Texas, I saw that as a definite sign from the heavens. Obviously, I was meant to be in Texas; so this must the catalyst meant to take me there. I happily plunked down in Dallas, cowboy boots and all, and waited for…”it.” What exactly “it” is, I have no idea. As of this minute I have been a Texas resident for four months and twelve days. Nothing life changing has happened to me yet, and I am losing faith in my decision, which I had previously been so certain of. The magnetic pull I once felt towards Texas seems to be loosening it’s grip; or maybe I am just feeling the draw of my former home state more now that it is becoming a memory. Either way, I am questioning myself and that’s not a fun feeling. I realize that if I really, truly decide down the road that I hate it here, I can reverse this choice and just move back to California…or go somewhere else, for that matter. But for now, doubts or no, I want to figure out what my purpose here is. I am not the type of person to walk away from something in progress; I will definitely continue to give this latest decision of mine a chance to work itself out, but I sure wish this song would stop antagonizing me right now!!

Anybody else out there have a song that seems to follow their life journey, or one that has different meaning as your circumstances change?? I’d love to hear abut it!

xo SM

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